Urgent Prayer Request

My best friend's sister Ashley is pregnant with twins. She had a miscarriage several months ago and is now in her second pregnancy. She found out this morning that she has a blood clot and has lost one of the babies. The doctors are telling her that if she doesn't abort the other baby, she has a 95% chance of dying. We all know that doctors can be way wrong and we have a great God who is capable of incredible miracles and healing. Please be in prayer for that in this situation. Please be praying that the family grows in their trust and faith in God rather than turns away from Him as so many people do in difficult situations. Its tough to face the idea of death and choose to trust God, but I believe that God has a purpose for this whole situation.

Boys and Bugs

This song is adorable and perfect for me. Its by a band called Poema. They are awesome!

I like boys that like to smile
Laugh at themselves once in a while
That can sit and talk for hours
Then in the morning, pick me flowers

Boys that like to be very clean
That are never ever mean
And can tell a witty joke
Boys that do not like to smoke

One day, I'll find you

I like boys that aren't afraid of bugs
That will always give me big warm hugs
Like to sing and play guitar
That are happy being who they are

Boys that like to be outside
And that aren't full of pride
Boys that have an honest passion
With at least a slight hint of fashion

One day, I'll find you

I like boys that are funny and artistic
That are mostly optimistic
Boys that are not very lazy
A little weird, but not too crazy

Boys that aren't afraid to cry
And will always give a second try
And will try to do their best
I want a boy not like the rest

One day, I'll find you

For Lilly

This is a part of a song that I wrote for a little girl named Lilly, but not really to give to her. It was more written because of her. Maybe if I finish it, I will give it to her. Who knows.

But the reason behind writing this (portion of a) song was because Lilly is 7 years old and being made fun of for her appearance. She is being told by other little girls that she is too skinny and hairy (whaa...?). She has the most adorable fashion ever as a 7 year old but has been wanting instead to just cover herself up completely. That breaks my heart. This beautiful little girl is already feeling insecure about her appearance! Luckily she has a mom who is very open with her about bringing things like this to Jesus. Her mom also made a good point by saying that Satan wouldn't be trying so hard to bring her down if God didn't have huge, amazing plans for her.

Anyways, I was really wanting to write something for her. This is the very, very beginning. Who knows, I could scrap this and start something completely new. I dunno. Anyways...

Don't you dare turn off the lights

Let your beauty shine so bright

For you emit such a radiant glow

And you have so much that you can show

The more you learn to live for love

The more that will be poured out on you.

And there you have it--the bare bones of a song.

I Guess this is Growing Up...

(But if it is, I don't know that I like it.)

It seems that every time a big group of my friends hang out, I come home feeling really down. This has been going on for a LONG time. Like, at least a year and a half. And tonight it happened again. One of my friends had her birthday party tonight--a private midnight showing of Where the Wild Things Are (adorable movie, by the way). Most of the people there were people that I knew from working at Papa Murphys or from church. One of my best friends was there and that was awesome.

But most of the people there were people that I am not at all comfortable around. Either I didn't know them or I know them and don't really like them; therefore, I put on my 'entertainment' mask and was trying to be funny the whole night. And it just came off as stupid and immature. Think I'm being too critical of myself? I'm not.

Example: I was going to use the bathroom and asked my friend to watch my purse. Another girl, somebody who I used to be best friends with, jokingly said "Where would it go?" (or something like that). So instead of just chuckling, I decided to toss my purse onto the floor. Yep, I did. And it wasn't funny. It just got some stares.

I think the thing I struggle most with is being myself in all situations. And honestly, I don't know if I even know who I am. I know, I know. Everybody says that. But its true.

I'm 18 years old and I have no idea who I am.

I mean, I know whats important to me and I know what I stand for (for the most part) but my personality is a constantly transforming thing. I act completely different around different people. And I hate that. Its so fake!

Deep inside, I want to be honest with everybody. But deep inside, I also want to be accepted. And I think that the acceptance part is winning the fight for importance.

I went through so many years in my life where I had almost no friends. And because of that, I am now constantly trying to gain new friends and keep the ones I have. I have found that I am willing to compromise a lot to gain friends. Its really unfortunate.

Two and a half years ago, I met a large group of severely amazing people. But two and a half years ago, my standards took a dive. I compromised my standards on a lot of issues to ensure that people would accept me. I tried to be like other people and in therefore lost myself.

Two and a half years ago, I had never said a cuss word.

Two and a half years ago, I was embarrassed to even mention the word sex.

Two and a half years ago, I wouldn't even consider watching an R rated movie.

I know that not all of that is inherently bad. I mean, sex isn't a bad thing. And not all R rated movies are rated R for inappropriate reasons (although most are). But in compromising my standards, I have begun to make dirty jokes. I have begun to use curse words in a casual, joking and even demeaning manner.

It makes me ashamed to think that I was so quick to compromise in order to gain friends. I will say that not all of my friendships have been unhealthy for me. I know that these people were put in my life for a specific purpose. But I have not been as good of an example of Christ as I could have been.

And along with all of this, I have lost myself.

I am ashamed of myself.

I don't like who I've become.

I think another problem I have is that I am constantly putting on an act. I want people to think that I have everything together. I want people to like me, so I changed myself. I have told myself so many times that I am just going to take off this mask and let people see the real me. But I really don't think I ever actually tried to. I just said that I would.

Tonight, that is my prayer.

Tonight, I turn a new page.

Tonight, I am going to begin the journey to find the real me.

And tonight, I am going to commit to being accepting of whatever I find in myself.

I know that there are so many amazing things God has for my future, but I have a lot of growing before I am ready to accomplish those things. And tonight, I begin the long journey of growing up.

Right now, I can so relate to the song entitled Monster by The Almost.

"When I am a monster, You never wince when you look at me.

When I am a freak, you never stare.

When I am a leper, You never say 'unclean.'

And when I am lost, You come and set me free.

Are you ready to live your life?

Are you healed enough?

Can you stop?

Can you stop and enjoy the ride?"

I'm not quite ready to enjoy the ride, but I am definitely ready to stop. I'm ready to live my life. I'm ready to heal from the past and move on. I'm ready to experience God's plans for me.

I'm ready to be me.

I am a girl.

So I pretty much have no idea who reads my blog. Honestly, I don't. I don't have any followers. Maybe nobody reads it! It kinda feels nice to think that at least one person does, though. Especially on posts like this.

The last year or two I have been really feeling like I need to wait on dating. Or just not do it at all. I was pretty much okay with that until around this summer. See, there was a guy who was actually seeming to be interested in dating me. That was a first in my 18 years. At least, it was the first time that anybody pursued anything with me, small as this was. We hung out a couple of times and went to lunch, played guitar, went shopping. They weren't even actual dates, just two friends hanging out, you know?

But something didn't feel right. I felt like I had defiled my pursuit of purity because my intentions in hanging out with this guy were not what they should have been. I haven't admitted this to anyone yet, but since there may not even be anyone reading this...one of the times we hung out, I had decided the night before that I didn't care about not dating anymore and I didn't care about the standards that I had set for myself previously. I decided that that day when we hung out, I was gonna get my first kiss. Forget waiting for my first kiss to be at my wedding, I wanted it right then!

Luckily, I followed my gut feeling that day (and probably was feeling pretty shy, too) and decided not to go for that. But even after this guy and I stopped really hanging out, I felt like there was no point in not dating. I wanted a boyfriend and I didn't care what plans God had for me! I was struggling with this a LOT for at least a month.

Its hard to be one of the only girls your age who is pursing purity to this extent. Or who has always been pursuing purity. I have friends who have decided not to date but made that decision after failing in previous relationships. I'm not one of those people. I know that one day I will really appreciate that but right now it is hard.

So this time over the summer where I was really struggling with purity came around the same time as I went to Creation West. One of the bands playing was Barlowgirl. I had just recently (with in the last 9 months or so) started listening to Barlowgirl and really enjoyed their sound. We caught their show and then met them afterwards in a signing line. They were really sweet genuine women and I liked that.

When I got home from Creation, I ended up on their website and discovered their podcasts. I watched all of them as well as some interviews and such. Over a week or so, my respect for those girls grew exponentially. I needed a role model and instead got three. Those girls encompass everything that I want to be doing with my life and stand for the same things as I stand for.

It was really great to be able to watch videos of them talking about dealing with their struggles for purity. They encouraged me so much! And so, my struggle sort of died off as I recommitted my life to purity in Christ.

"But this road is hard..."

One of my friends made a deal with another friend years ago that they wouldn't date until each was a certain age. For my friend, that age was 17. She turned 17 this summer and really liked a certain guy. Over the last couple of months, they have gotten to know each other better. They went to the waterslides together, he cooked her dinner, and they went to Homecoming (she's still in high school).

Well, tonight, he asked her to be his girlfriend. And of course she said yes.

I should be really happy for my friend. I mean, this is a really great guy. Her parents know him and have approved of him. They got to know each other before they started dating. She went about everything in the way that she should have.

Meanwhile, I am sitting here having made the commitment not to date. I know deep inside of me that that is what God is calling me to. But when you see somebody get exactly what you want it gets really tough.

I honestly don't want to get married for another 7 or 8 years. I want to wait until my mid to late twenties before I make that commitment. I know that God has some amazing things planned for my life in my single years. And I know that I need to enjoy them.

But its hard!

Its so hard to enjoy what you have when you want something else. And its not really that I want something else, its that I want somebody else's something. I want what I can't have. And I probably want it even more because I can't have it.

Jealousy is a nasty thing.

I know that this is all coming from the enemy, but its hard to rebuke something thats as strong as this.

I mean, what girl doesn't dream of her prince charming coming to wake her from her slumber and sweep her off her feet?

Right now is time for me to sleep. But I want to be awake.

I take that back.

My mind wants to be awake. But my heart knows that now is my time to sleep. Now is my time to rest in God's love and learn to love Him in all areas and allow Him to fill me up.

I believe that God will bring my man to me in His perfect timing.

But its hard to wait.

So if you read this and feel so inclined, please pray for me. You can also pray for my friend and her new boyfriend. I know that they would appreciate it.

"Because this road is hard, but You are worth it all. Here's my life."