Coming to Terms

Today is February 13th, which means tomorrow is February 14th--Valentines Day. Lets recap my last 17 Valentines Day's.

1st-15th: My big sister's birthday is Valentines Day, so my first 15 were spent celebrating with her. She moved to England for college when I was barely 16, so there goes that excuse!

16th-17th: I worked at Papa Murphy's Pizza and Valentine's Day was one of our busiest days of the year. Both years, I worked until about 8 or 9 and then went to dinner and a movie with my coworkers. None of us had dates, so we all just hung out.

So that brings us to this year. My 18th Valentines Day. I no longer have my sister or my job to hide behind. So here it goes.

I don't date and most of my friends don't talk to me anymore; therefore, I have absolutely no plans this year to celebrate Valentines Day.

I sent out a text message to a bunch of girls at the beginning of the week, wanting to plan a home cooked dinner followed by a movie. I even offered to cook! I sent that out to 8-10 people and only heard back from one. And that was about three days after I sent out the text. She said she'd have to ask her parents. I told her not to bother, that it wasn't going to happen.

Honestly, I at first wondered if something was wrong with my phone, if it wasn't receiving text messages for some reason. But every time I convinced myself that was the problem, I remembered that another person had just texted me earlier that night and we had had a conversation (this was usually my friend who lives out of state). So really, there were no excuses there.

I am pretty much giving up on my friends now. I guess I really shouldn't call them that anymore. I only really have three people from my old core group that I would still consider friends. The rest? Well, I am just trying to avoid them because I know they will act all friendly to my face and I will once again have hope that things aren't like I thought. Thats never the case, though.

So now I'm trying to branch out more, hang out with people I haven't seen or talked to in a long time. I'm going to an improv night at the high school with a girl named Rachel, who I've known since 5th grade but had a couple of falling outs with. We 'made up' a couple of years ago. She and my sister are fairly good friends and she and I are friendly with each other as well. It should be a fun night.

But really, I just can't wait to move to Bellingham and then Nashville, to meet a whole fresh new crop of people. Thats the problem with small towns like Anacortes--after a while, you've met everyone. If you can't make many friends, you're pretty much out of luck.

So there you have it. I am spending my Valentines Day alone, save for probably my guitars.

Here's to hoping that next Valentine's Day, I'll actually have friends.

2/4/10

I am currently laying in a hotel bed in SeaTac. I’m down here for a conference for work and I am loving it! This is our second weekend in a row of being down here for conferences. I am learning so much to help me not only in my job but for my life. The whole focus of these conferences is to teach us how to use things like good communication to make the patients feel cared for. This has been helping me build knowledge for my personal life on how to treat people with the respect that they deserve so that they can do the same for me. This includes communication and emotions.

Honestly, the last few months have been really rough for me. When I quit Papa Murphys, I thought that I was good friends with everybody and we would all keep in touch and hang out a lot. Well, I was wrong. I really only regularly hang out with one person from there and even my time with that person has begun to dwindle. Because that was pretty much my only group of friends, the last few months have been really lonely and that has been taking a big toll on me emotionally. I have suffered from a lot of things and done a lot of things that I’m not proud of.

Now I am in a sort of rebuilding stage. I’m trying to change the way I look at situations, stop jumping to conclusions, be more flexible and be less reliant on other people. This is a really tough thing for me because I am such a people person. However, I am making some good progress. That being said, my friendship levels are still quite low. I really only regularly hang out with one person (who is, coincidentally, another Papa Murphys castaway). I love this girl dearly, but I can’t rely on just one person to serve all of my friendship…needs.

I live in a small town with not many people my age and really haven’t found too many people who are on the same level as me and who can be in an ‘iron sharpens iron’ sort of relationship with me. I am so, so ready to move away, but I am not ready yet to do that. I will be moving about 45 minutes away at the beginning of 2011 to a city much bigger than where I live now and I am definitely excited for that; however, that living situation will only be lasting for at most six months. After that, I’ll be moving back home for another year before I can move out of state. This wait is so hard for me and will only get worse. I need to be in certain types of relationships that I just haven’t had for a while.

I feel like the one consistent thing in my life lately—my job—has really been helping me out with getting through this rough patch. I’ve been learning so many of these that will help me become a better person and help me be a better friend to people. But honestly, the thing that I need to cling to is my relationship with Jesus. Its interesting to me that when things are toughest, people will either run towards God or away from Him. And unfortunately, in my case, I feel like its been the away. I tell myself constantly that I will work to build my relationship with Him again, but it just never happens. I guess my goal for myself is to just make it happen.

If you feel so inclined, please pray for me in this.

Tattoos!

Alright, I am itching to get another tattoo so I've begun some research. I would like to get one on my right foot that sort of matches my left foot. That means basically that it is a 5-character Greek word. I've come up with a couple of options. Of course I'm not going to rush into it...I'm gonna make myself be solid on an idea for at least 6 months before I get it. But I still thought I'd share.

Mercy in Greek: ἐλεέω

Hope in Greek: ελπίς

Grace in Greek: χάρις

Also, I have been strongly entertaining the idea of getting 'Jesus Christ' or 'Yaweh' or 'Yeshua' or something of that form tattooed onto my ring finger underneath my promise ring where my wedding ring will some day reside.

If you feel like sharing your opinions, go right on ahead.

1/13/2010

This five-day conversation may be about to take an interesting turn.

Katie's Top 10 Albums of 2009

I wrote up one of these last year when I disagreed with what I had read on various music websites. This year, I started much earlier and finished much later writing it and put a lot more detail into it. I did kind of rush at the end just because its already January 12th. I also switched up the order at the last minute. I'm not sure that this is my perfect list. It (mentally) might change once I listen to some albums more. But I'm not going to rewrite it if that happens. This is gonna be set in stone.

The basic format is that the first paragraph is more of a basic outline of the album with background info and all that, while the second paragraph is my personal opinions and thoughts.

Let me know what you think!


ONE
Memento Mori by Flyleaf (November 10, 2009)
Flyleaf may have left more than a four year gap between their self-titled debut album and Memento Mori, but it was well worth the wait. This album is a masterpiece. Memento Mori is an ancient Roman phrase meaning ‘remember you will die.’ Running on that theme for the album, Flyleaf presents a set of songs speaking of the urgency we should feel when considering that we never know when we will die. Musically, this album is top-notch. The band has matured greatly, each member honing their skills on their particular instrument. They also broadened their sound, with songs on the harder side of things (Swept Away) and songs on the more pop-rock side (Missing). The album ends with the song Arise, a call for people to “arise and be all that you dreamed.” After one listen to Memento Mori, you know that the members of Flyleaf have done just that.

Most people know how big of a Flyleaf fan I am and how much their music means to me. When I say that I was excited for this release, I really mean it. But honestly, I did not expect Memento Mori to be this good. Musically, it is far superior to the band’s self-titled debut. Lyrically, the band has become much more personal and honest, adding to the value of this record. I am truly amazed with what Flyleaf has accomplished with this record and am very excited to see what it does over the next few months.

TWO
Love & War by Barlowgirl (September 8, 2009)
The Barlow sisters are known for creating music that is beautiful, convicting and honest. Love & War is no exception. As the title suggests, this album focuses on the love God gives us as well as the war we as Christians face in living out our faith. This album has a good mix of piano based songs and electric guitar based songs. One of the best parts of this album is hearing how greatly the Barlow girls have improved musically. When the band released their first album in 2004, the girls were just learning a couple of their instruments, mainly drums and bass. This being their fifth album, they have had much time to improve their skill. However, even compared with their last album, Love & War is a great improvement. Barlowgirl has created their best record to date, and one of the best this year.

When Barlowgirl first came onto the music scene, I was a 13 year old music snob. I reasoned that they only became popular because of the song that Superchick wrote about them and decided that they were not even worth listening to. Sure, I heard a couple of their popular songs and liked them, but wrote them off as the exception rather than the norm. Well, last fall I saw their CD How Can We Be Silent on sale for $5. I, for whatever reason, decided to get it and after the first listen was a fan. With Love & War being the girls’ first new album since my becoming a fan, I was excited to get to be a part of this release, listening to each new song as it was made available and anxiously awaiting my pre-order to arrive in the mail. Love & War really is a great album that I highly recommend.

THREE
Hell or High Water by As Cities Burn (April 21, 2009)
Tooth and Nail Records is signs a lot of unique bands that avoid sticking with any formula, As Cities Burn certainly being one of those bands. Their first release, Son, I Loved You At Your Darkest was full of screaming and heavy guitars. The band called it quits after this release but, after much support from fans and critics, decided to stay together. They recorded another album entitled Come Now Sleep, a major departure from the heaviness of their debut. With the screamer out of the band, Come Now Sleep consisted of mostly clean vocals with a lot more focus on instrumentation. Their newest album, Hell or High Water, continues along the path of its predecessor with a focus more on the melody of the music; however, it is a lot more drum-heavy and overall mellower. As Cities Burn really is a talented band and Hell or High Water finds them at the top of their game. It takes a lot of talent for a band to change genres with each album and As Cities Burn does it seamlessly. Unfortunately, less than three months after the album’s release, the band announced that they would no longer be making music. As Cities Burn covered a lot of ground in their five years with Solid State Records and will certainly be going out at the top of their game.

As Cities Burn is the type of band whose music requires multiple listens for the listener to capture the full meaning and beauty of the song. I really can’t recommend this album to everyone. It is quite experimental, definitely not something you would hear on a Top-40 chart. However, if that is a type of music that you like, you will love this album. I know that I sure did!

FOUR
Church Music by David Crowder*Band (September 22, 2009)
David Crowder. That name simultaneously brings rise to thoughts of amazing worship music and a rather quirky personality. David Crowder Band’s music has been a staple in the worship scene with songs such as Open Skies, Everything Glorious, All Creatures and Wholly Yours, just to name a few. Crowder creates his music to be both technical and simple. Church Music is an album that literally flows from each song to the next, reminiscent of A Collision while bringing in many familiar aspects from his last release, Remedy. The result is the top worship album of the year, a musical masterpiece that will engage the listener in God’s presence.

As I texted to one friend the day this album was released, Church Music is like the love child of A Collision and Remedy, taking the best qualities of each release and creating a five star album. With many guest vocalists including the DuPree sisters (of Eisley) and Lacey Sturm (of Flyleaf), Crowder manages to keep this album fresh without reinventing the band. I highly recommend this album to pretty much anybody.

FIVE
The End is Not the End by House of Heroes (March 3, 2009)
House of Heroes originally released End digitally in 2008, but waited until 2009 to release it in stores. This physical copy of the album included two new acoustically based tracks as well as an acoustic version of one of their songs. House of Heroes really brings it with this album, showing their skills in writing both quirky and serious lyrics as well as greatly improving musically. In the new acoustic tracks, they even show that they have a big of country in them. The long wait for this album was certainly worth it.

I was very antsy to pick up this album. I had to wait a few days after its official release to actually get it due to some shipping issues with local stores. I finally got the album almost a week later and soaked up the entire album over about three straight weeks of listening. The House of Heroes boys really know how to craft a catchy album that doesn’t necessarily follow the standards. The result is an instant hit about World War II, Communist girlfriends and God.

SIX
Heaven and Earth by Phil Wickham (November 17, 2009)
As one of the most talented voices in Christian music today, Phil Wickham created much anticipation for his third studio album, Heaven and Earth. Some of the tracks have a more electronic/synth feel to them while the remainder have a very organic sound. Phil’s honest, heartfelt lyrics combine with the emotion of his voice to create very passionate, beautiful songs. With songs like Safe and Because of Your Love, Phil managed to create great new worship songs without sounding corporate. Most everybody will thoroughly enjoy this album.

The instant I heard Phil Wickham’s first album, I fell in love with his music. His voice is so beautiful and his music so well crafted. Phil is one talented guy and that shines through especially well on this album. He has begun to expand his horizons musically with the increase in synthesizer use. This album has shown great growth musically and continued to showcase his incredible lyrics.

SEVEN
brand new eyes by Paramore (September 22, 2009)
Easily one of the biggest breakthrough bands last year, Paramore’s newest album, brand new eyes, was one of the most highly anticipated albums of the year. After completing a nationwide summer tour opening for No Doubt, Paramore released that album to fans worldwide. In its first week, eyes sold over 175,000 albums and was the number two album. With the addition of longtime touring member Taylor York to the band, the album had mostly loud, electric guitar based songs. Additionally, two acoustic based tracks, The Only Exception and Misguided Ghosts, were included on the album. Both unique tracks added nice variety. The album also gave attention to vocalist Hayley Williams’ incredibly wide vocal range. The closing track entitled All I Wanted featured high notes that most vocalists only dream of reaching. Paramore has another hit on their hands.

As a longtime fan of Paramore, I was extremely excited to see how popular the band got following the release of their sophomore album Riot!. While eyes didn’t quite have the same flowing feel as Riot!, it is a great example of this band’s talent. It’s a pretty honest album, analyzing some of the internal issues in the band that almost broke them up a year ago. It is detailed without being invasive and the result is spectacular.

EIGHT
Danyew EP by Phil Danyew (April 21, 2009)
Phil Danyew will be compared by many to his good friend and fellow musician Phil Wickham. On the surface, that comparison may seem accurate, but upon closer listen, you may begin to disagree. Danyew’s music has a more modern rock feel to it and his lyrics are less worshipful, though they still point the listener towards Christ. Danyew has a beautiful voice and is a skilled musician. His debut EP is a great introduction for him to the music community.

I bought Danyew’s EP on a whim as it was on sale for only a couple of dollars. I was surprised at the talent I found on the EP and when it ended, I found myself wanting more. There is a lot of good variety on this EP, despite its short, six-song track list. It will be interesting to see what we hear from Danyew when he releases an LP.

NINE
The Poema Demo EP by Poema (2009)
New Tooth and Nail signees Poema recently went into the studio with Aaron Sprinkle to record their debut EP, expected to be released in the spring. Prior to their signing with Tooth and Nail, however, the sister duo from New Mexico recorded a seven song EP out of their home and sold it through their myspace page. Most of the album’s tracks are love songs in some form, and these girls can pull them off. The standout track, entitled ‘Echo Off the Sky,’ serves as more of an encouraging song to the listener, telling them to “sing it out until the very last light goes out.” Poema has a lot of potential and, with Aaron Sprinkle’s history, their next EP should be something to look forward to.

Poema is one of those bands that just makes you smile. Their songs are so upbeat and happy that it is close to impossible to be in a bad mood for too long while listening to them. It is crazy for me to consider that these sisters are the same age as me and are signed to my favorite record label. I wish them nothing but the best and cannot wait to hear what new music they come out with.

TEN
Wake Up by Paige Armstrong (October 6, 2009)
Paige Armstrong has faced more in her nineteen years than most. At the age of ten, she was diagnosed with cancer. After much chemotherapy, she is now cancer free and has a message that she wants to spread to her generation. Her debut album, Wake Up is all about her generation rising up out of apathy and embracing its calling, whatever that may be. The musicianship on this album is tight, especially for a solo musician, and the lyrics are honest and convicting. Paige has a story to tell with music as her platform to tell it, and she is doing a fantastic job at it.

I heard about Paige Armstrong a few weeks ago on a music website and decided to listen to her. I honestly didn’t expect her music to be my type as many solo female artists stick to contemporary pop. I was very surprised, in a good way, with how strong of a debut this was. The lyrics, all cowritten by Paige, embrace her mantra of ‘anti-apathy.’ The strongest track on the record is The Story Song, which chronicles Paige’s battle with cancer with lyrics like “I fought the battle for life and it inspired me to live.” I think this album definitely accomplished what it set out to, urging this generation, my generation, to stand up and live our lives for more.

SOTD 1/10/10: Walls

Last night in Florida, To Write Love On Her Arms held their third annual Heavy and Light. It is a concert, this year featuring several musicians like Stephen Christian of Anberlin, Aaron Gillespie of Underoath/The Almost and Mat Kearney. Bryce Avary (The Rocket Summer) also performed last night and he debuted a new song called Walls. From the sounds of it, the regular version that will be on his new album will have electric guitars and all that good stuff, but this time he just played piano. It is a beautiful song full of hope and I am very much looking forward to hearing the full version.



The story of my life I can't quite comprehend
So tell me if you know how it ends
When everywhere you go feels like a mirror maze
And you're not sure how you're stuck in this place
And you've got nowhere else to go
And you're lost within your own home
You're trying so hard to win
You keep trying, it's embarrassing
And how you don't even know
But you know you're off the tracks
And how did you get in here
Thinking, how did I get in here
I'll help you break the walls down
I'll help you break the walls down
And bust you out
And take you home
Believe you me
You are not alone
I'll help you break the walls down
Does anybody know where February went
I was hoping that by now it'd be the end of this
But when you open up a book and read a thousand lines
But you don't really read, you just move your eyes
And you've got nowhere else to go
And you're lost within your own home
You're trying so hard to win
You keep trying, it's embarrassing
And how you don't even know
But you know you're off the tracks
And how did you get in here
Thinking, how did I get in here
I'll help you break the walls down
I'll help you break the walls down
And bust you out
And take you home
Believe you me
You are not alone
I'll help you break the walls down
And I know this is random
But just this morning I saw the sun reflecting off the lawn and window
Oh, I dont know why but I thought you should know
When you've got nowhere else to go
And you're lost within your own home
You're trying so hard to win
You keep trying, its embarrassing
And how you dont even know
But you know youre off the tracks
And how did you get in here
Thinking, how did I get in here
I'll help you break the walls down
I'll help you break the walls down
And bust you out
And take you home
Believe you me
You are not alone
I'll help you break the walls down
And all the weight that you carry will disappear
And I will willingly embrace your soul you lay ahead
So come on home
Come on home
Come on home
Home
Yeah

12/30/09

I'm at the movies seeing Sherlock Holmes with some friends. Scratch that--one friend plus four other people.

In other news, I think I'm depressed again and it sucks.

SOTD 12/21/09: The Earth Falls Asleep

If I was to try to write a song right now, I would be attempting to convey the same message as this one. Its called The Earth Falls Asleep by Abandon Kansas. I almost want to cry.

Can anyone tell me how,
How we learn to live with ourselves?
I've been forgiven things only God knows
But I can't forgive myself
And after all of my searching I found who I am
And it's not what I wanted
But I'm here now and I'm broken
Come save me from this hell

The earth falls asleep much too early for me
And I close my eyes but I can't rest
My body is tired, my mind is running
From the past, to the east, to the west
Trying to find the blame
That You've already taken from me

Can anyone tell me how,
How we learn to live with ourselves?
I've been forgiven things only God knows
But I can't forgive myself
And after all of my searching I found who I am
And it's not what I wanted
But I'm here now and I'm broken
Come save me from this hell

I'm convinced that the world that we see
Is a curtain behind which vast realms await us
Of uncharted marvels and oceans of mercy
Inside my Father's eyes
And the mountains are grandstands
That sheets of blue skies rest upon
Peeled back with ease by Your hands
To reveal a quarry I've never dreamed...

Can anyone tell me how,
How we learn to live with ourselves?
I've been forgiven things only God knows
But I can't forgive myself
And after all of my searching I found who I am
And it's not what I wanted
But I'm here now and I'm broken

I want to take all the things I've done
The people I've hurt
Get what I deserve
But You won't let me
No, You won't let me
My hope is in the unseen
My hope is in the unseen

My hope is in the unseen
'Cause I see no nope in me

SOTD 12/9/09: Dirty and Left Out

Song of the Day today is Dirty and Left Out by The Almost. This song is a quieter one for the band, but it is so perfect for them. As you may be able to gather from the lyrics, this song is about seeking forgiveness from God for the wrongs you've done. It serves as a confessional for Aaron Gillespie (from The Almost). He has talked about writing this song in response to the guilt that he felt from having pre-marital sex with his wife before they were married.

Now, that is probably not an area where you are struggling and I can tell you that it is not an area where I am struggling. However, the questions still remain: Why, God, do You want a relationship with me? Why do you care so much about me? I have turned my back on you so many times. Why do you still open up Your arms for me and long for me to embrace You? I am covered with dirt! I have walked away from You and rubbed dirt on myself (metaphorically, of course). Why in the world would you want to have an intimate relationship with such a person as me?

This song serves as a confessional for me as well, to ask all of those questions of God. Because really, any person who understands the weight of their sin, or even realizes that they have done 'bad things' wonders why a God so powerful would want to even look at us, let alone embrace us and love us.

The answer can be found in John 13. At the Last Supper, Jesus washes the feet of his disciples. That alone has profound implications. But in verse 6, Peter asks Jesus why he is washing their feet. In verse 8, Jesus tells Peter "If I do not was you, you have no part with me." The same applies to us. All of the dirt and muck covering us prevents us from having true, intimate relationship with Christ. He wants to draw us close to Him because He wants to wash that dirt off of us. He can't do that from standing back. Well, He probably could. But as evidenced by John 13, He chooses not to! He chooses to come close to us and wash us by hand. He works on us.

So when we tell God that we are dirty and ask Him why He wants to embrace us, we know that it is because He wants to clean us off so we can share in an intimate relationship with Him.



Hello, I swear I won't be too long
Hello, I promise I'll be real strong
Wait up, I just wanna tell you
Hold up, why are you still here?

I've been dirtier than you wanna know
I've left earlier than you'll ever know

Why do you wanna be all listening to me
Why do you spread your arms and tell me I'm free
Why do you wanna be in my life
In my life

I've been dirtier than you wanna know
I've left earlier than you'll ever know

Jesus, Jesus
There's something about your name
Master, saviour, Jesus

I've been dirtier than you wanna know
I've left earlier than you'll ever know
Jesus
Jesus

Coming Soon!

A new feature to spice up my blog! I will begin posting every day about the song that I am listening to the most or the song that means the most to me that day. It may be a little different every day. We'll see how that goes!

Also coming soon are my lists for 2009: Top 10 Albums of 2009 and Top 10 Albums, 2000-2009.

Urgent Prayer Request

My best friend's sister Ashley is pregnant with twins. She had a miscarriage several months ago and is now in her second pregnancy. She found out this morning that she has a blood clot and has lost one of the babies. The doctors are telling her that if she doesn't abort the other baby, she has a 95% chance of dying. We all know that doctors can be way wrong and we have a great God who is capable of incredible miracles and healing. Please be in prayer for that in this situation. Please be praying that the family grows in their trust and faith in God rather than turns away from Him as so many people do in difficult situations. Its tough to face the idea of death and choose to trust God, but I believe that God has a purpose for this whole situation.

Boys and Bugs

This song is adorable and perfect for me. Its by a band called Poema. They are awesome!

I like boys that like to smile
Laugh at themselves once in a while
That can sit and talk for hours
Then in the morning, pick me flowers

Boys that like to be very clean
That are never ever mean
And can tell a witty joke
Boys that do not like to smoke

One day, I'll find you

I like boys that aren't afraid of bugs
That will always give me big warm hugs
Like to sing and play guitar
That are happy being who they are

Boys that like to be outside
And that aren't full of pride
Boys that have an honest passion
With at least a slight hint of fashion

One day, I'll find you

I like boys that are funny and artistic
That are mostly optimistic
Boys that are not very lazy
A little weird, but not too crazy

Boys that aren't afraid to cry
And will always give a second try
And will try to do their best
I want a boy not like the rest

One day, I'll find you

For Lilly

This is a part of a song that I wrote for a little girl named Lilly, but not really to give to her. It was more written because of her. Maybe if I finish it, I will give it to her. Who knows.

But the reason behind writing this (portion of a) song was because Lilly is 7 years old and being made fun of for her appearance. She is being told by other little girls that she is too skinny and hairy (whaa...?). She has the most adorable fashion ever as a 7 year old but has been wanting instead to just cover herself up completely. That breaks my heart. This beautiful little girl is already feeling insecure about her appearance! Luckily she has a mom who is very open with her about bringing things like this to Jesus. Her mom also made a good point by saying that Satan wouldn't be trying so hard to bring her down if God didn't have huge, amazing plans for her.

Anyways, I was really wanting to write something for her. This is the very, very beginning. Who knows, I could scrap this and start something completely new. I dunno. Anyways...

Don't you dare turn off the lights

Let your beauty shine so bright

For you emit such a radiant glow

And you have so much that you can show

The more you learn to live for love

The more that will be poured out on you.

And there you have it--the bare bones of a song.

I Guess this is Growing Up...

(But if it is, I don't know that I like it.)

It seems that every time a big group of my friends hang out, I come home feeling really down. This has been going on for a LONG time. Like, at least a year and a half. And tonight it happened again. One of my friends had her birthday party tonight--a private midnight showing of Where the Wild Things Are (adorable movie, by the way). Most of the people there were people that I knew from working at Papa Murphys or from church. One of my best friends was there and that was awesome.

But most of the people there were people that I am not at all comfortable around. Either I didn't know them or I know them and don't really like them; therefore, I put on my 'entertainment' mask and was trying to be funny the whole night. And it just came off as stupid and immature. Think I'm being too critical of myself? I'm not.

Example: I was going to use the bathroom and asked my friend to watch my purse. Another girl, somebody who I used to be best friends with, jokingly said "Where would it go?" (or something like that). So instead of just chuckling, I decided to toss my purse onto the floor. Yep, I did. And it wasn't funny. It just got some stares.

I think the thing I struggle most with is being myself in all situations. And honestly, I don't know if I even know who I am. I know, I know. Everybody says that. But its true.

I'm 18 years old and I have no idea who I am.

I mean, I know whats important to me and I know what I stand for (for the most part) but my personality is a constantly transforming thing. I act completely different around different people. And I hate that. Its so fake!

Deep inside, I want to be honest with everybody. But deep inside, I also want to be accepted. And I think that the acceptance part is winning the fight for importance.

I went through so many years in my life where I had almost no friends. And because of that, I am now constantly trying to gain new friends and keep the ones I have. I have found that I am willing to compromise a lot to gain friends. Its really unfortunate.

Two and a half years ago, I met a large group of severely amazing people. But two and a half years ago, my standards took a dive. I compromised my standards on a lot of issues to ensure that people would accept me. I tried to be like other people and in therefore lost myself.

Two and a half years ago, I had never said a cuss word.

Two and a half years ago, I was embarrassed to even mention the word sex.

Two and a half years ago, I wouldn't even consider watching an R rated movie.

I know that not all of that is inherently bad. I mean, sex isn't a bad thing. And not all R rated movies are rated R for inappropriate reasons (although most are). But in compromising my standards, I have begun to make dirty jokes. I have begun to use curse words in a casual, joking and even demeaning manner.

It makes me ashamed to think that I was so quick to compromise in order to gain friends. I will say that not all of my friendships have been unhealthy for me. I know that these people were put in my life for a specific purpose. But I have not been as good of an example of Christ as I could have been.

And along with all of this, I have lost myself.

I am ashamed of myself.

I don't like who I've become.

I think another problem I have is that I am constantly putting on an act. I want people to think that I have everything together. I want people to like me, so I changed myself. I have told myself so many times that I am just going to take off this mask and let people see the real me. But I really don't think I ever actually tried to. I just said that I would.

Tonight, that is my prayer.

Tonight, I turn a new page.

Tonight, I am going to begin the journey to find the real me.

And tonight, I am going to commit to being accepting of whatever I find in myself.

I know that there are so many amazing things God has for my future, but I have a lot of growing before I am ready to accomplish those things. And tonight, I begin the long journey of growing up.

Right now, I can so relate to the song entitled Monster by The Almost.

"When I am a monster, You never wince when you look at me.

When I am a freak, you never stare.

When I am a leper, You never say 'unclean.'

And when I am lost, You come and set me free.

Are you ready to live your life?

Are you healed enough?

Can you stop?

Can you stop and enjoy the ride?"

I'm not quite ready to enjoy the ride, but I am definitely ready to stop. I'm ready to live my life. I'm ready to heal from the past and move on. I'm ready to experience God's plans for me.

I'm ready to be me.

I am a girl.

So I pretty much have no idea who reads my blog. Honestly, I don't. I don't have any followers. Maybe nobody reads it! It kinda feels nice to think that at least one person does, though. Especially on posts like this.

The last year or two I have been really feeling like I need to wait on dating. Or just not do it at all. I was pretty much okay with that until around this summer. See, there was a guy who was actually seeming to be interested in dating me. That was a first in my 18 years. At least, it was the first time that anybody pursued anything with me, small as this was. We hung out a couple of times and went to lunch, played guitar, went shopping. They weren't even actual dates, just two friends hanging out, you know?

But something didn't feel right. I felt like I had defiled my pursuit of purity because my intentions in hanging out with this guy were not what they should have been. I haven't admitted this to anyone yet, but since there may not even be anyone reading this...one of the times we hung out, I had decided the night before that I didn't care about not dating anymore and I didn't care about the standards that I had set for myself previously. I decided that that day when we hung out, I was gonna get my first kiss. Forget waiting for my first kiss to be at my wedding, I wanted it right then!

Luckily, I followed my gut feeling that day (and probably was feeling pretty shy, too) and decided not to go for that. But even after this guy and I stopped really hanging out, I felt like there was no point in not dating. I wanted a boyfriend and I didn't care what plans God had for me! I was struggling with this a LOT for at least a month.

Its hard to be one of the only girls your age who is pursing purity to this extent. Or who has always been pursuing purity. I have friends who have decided not to date but made that decision after failing in previous relationships. I'm not one of those people. I know that one day I will really appreciate that but right now it is hard.

So this time over the summer where I was really struggling with purity came around the same time as I went to Creation West. One of the bands playing was Barlowgirl. I had just recently (with in the last 9 months or so) started listening to Barlowgirl and really enjoyed their sound. We caught their show and then met them afterwards in a signing line. They were really sweet genuine women and I liked that.

When I got home from Creation, I ended up on their website and discovered their podcasts. I watched all of them as well as some interviews and such. Over a week or so, my respect for those girls grew exponentially. I needed a role model and instead got three. Those girls encompass everything that I want to be doing with my life and stand for the same things as I stand for.

It was really great to be able to watch videos of them talking about dealing with their struggles for purity. They encouraged me so much! And so, my struggle sort of died off as I recommitted my life to purity in Christ.

"But this road is hard..."

One of my friends made a deal with another friend years ago that they wouldn't date until each was a certain age. For my friend, that age was 17. She turned 17 this summer and really liked a certain guy. Over the last couple of months, they have gotten to know each other better. They went to the waterslides together, he cooked her dinner, and they went to Homecoming (she's still in high school).

Well, tonight, he asked her to be his girlfriend. And of course she said yes.

I should be really happy for my friend. I mean, this is a really great guy. Her parents know him and have approved of him. They got to know each other before they started dating. She went about everything in the way that she should have.

Meanwhile, I am sitting here having made the commitment not to date. I know deep inside of me that that is what God is calling me to. But when you see somebody get exactly what you want it gets really tough.

I honestly don't want to get married for another 7 or 8 years. I want to wait until my mid to late twenties before I make that commitment. I know that God has some amazing things planned for my life in my single years. And I know that I need to enjoy them.

But its hard!

Its so hard to enjoy what you have when you want something else. And its not really that I want something else, its that I want somebody else's something. I want what I can't have. And I probably want it even more because I can't have it.

Jealousy is a nasty thing.

I know that this is all coming from the enemy, but its hard to rebuke something thats as strong as this.

I mean, what girl doesn't dream of her prince charming coming to wake her from her slumber and sweep her off her feet?

Right now is time for me to sleep. But I want to be awake.

I take that back.

My mind wants to be awake. But my heart knows that now is my time to sleep. Now is my time to rest in God's love and learn to love Him in all areas and allow Him to fill me up.

I believe that God will bring my man to me in His perfect timing.

But its hard to wait.

So if you read this and feel so inclined, please pray for me. You can also pray for my friend and her new boyfriend. I know that they would appreciate it.

"Because this road is hard, but You are worth it all. Here's my life."

Paper or Plastic

Okay, so this isn't as 'serious' or 'deep' as my blogs usually are, but its still something worth discussing.

I buy a lot of CDs. Anyone who knows me knows that. Just this week, I got three new ones (The Letter Black's "Breaking the Silence EP", David Crowder Band's "Chruch Music" and Paramore's "brand new eyes," if you were wondering). I have been building my CD collection for years. Back a few years ago, every single CD was packaged in a jewel case. Those are nice because they hold everything really well, you know? Recently, some CDs have been packaged in various cardboard holders (ex. The Almost "No Gift to Bring EP" and Copeland's "Eat, Sleep, Repeat"). These usually involve a nice little pocket for the CD sleeve and a plastic thing that holds the CD itself.

At first, I was completely against these cardboard CD cases. They aren't all made the same and for some reason, that bugged me. In some, the CD sleeve was put in a pocket. In others, it was glued on. I like consistency. However, I also began to dislike jewel cases because they crack so easily! Even just having one in the car could cause it to get damaged.

So after much (pointless) mental debate, I have decided that I am a fan of the cardboard cases. I want all CDs to be packaged like that. They make my life easier.

And that is the end of a short and random blog.

Oh, How He Loves Us

A few months ago, I found a video on youtube of my favorite band, Flyleaf, playing a song called How He Loves. I had never heard the song before but really liked it so I did a little research and discovered that it was written by an independant musician named John Mark McMillan. I found a video of him talking about why he wrote the song and also playing it, found here.

This video is powerful. Several times throughout the video, John is so filled with emotion that he begins to cry. The short story of how this song came about is that John's best friend Stephen prayed one morning during a prayer meeting that he would give his life if it would move the youth of the nation. That same day, Stephen was killed in a car crash. John wrote the song the following day just out of grief and didn't do anything with it for a while. After some time dealing with his loss and wondering how it was possible that everyone forgot about Stephen and his promise to God, John was performing and felt God telling him to play the song. Powerful, powerful stuff.

The incredible thing is how God is absolutely using this song to move the youth of the nation. I was at Creation West a couple of months ago and that song was probably played 5 different times by five different artists throughout the weekend. It is on David Crowder's new CD as well as The Glorious Unseen's new album. Flyleaf, Barlowgirl, Jeremy Riddle, Hillsong, Kim Walker and countless others have covered this song. It is actually a regular part of Flyleaf's set.

This success and reach of this song, I believe, is due to the fact that it was born out of a time of greif. John didn't sit down and decide to write an incredible worship song. He poured his heart out and let his greif form words, what few words it could, and this was the result. This is worship at its root--bearing your heart to God and holding nothing back.

If you haven't heard it yet, go listen to How He Loves. Let it move you.

This is the End, Part 3

Yesterday was mylast day of work at Papas, so I figure I should get moving on fishing up this series.

***

I have learned a lot about myself in my time at Papa Murphys, especially through 2009. On New Years Eve, Heather had a very intense but heartfelt conversation with me privately at work. It was as both a manager and a friend. That conversation continued on several times throughout this year and I think it has finally started to sink in, but not without some casualties.

I am a jerk.

I am prideful.

I am easily angered.

I put myself before others.

I gossip.

I say hurtful things.

I am judgemental.

These are all parts of me that I have learned about the hard way over the last 8 or 9 months. I have lost some very dear friends of mine because of it. I have cried many tears. Its been painful.

But there is hope.

Mine is not a story of sorrow but of redemption! The last month or so has been one of the most incredible for me in terms of what God is doing in my life. He has told me to seek forgiveness from the people that I have hurt. He has begun to mend relationships that are broken. He has caused me to grow up in so many ways!

Even in the last couple of days, God has been fixing the areas of my life that have been ruined by my sin nature. I feel so relieved to be leaving Papa Murphys on good terms with everyone there. To be honest, even a week ago I didn't think that that would be possible. But that is what is so wonderful about God! He is transforming my way of thinking. He is transforming my opinions of others. I am becoming more and more obedient to His word!

***

Over this last month, I had really been feeling convicted to talk to one of my friends about some stuff included seeking her forgiveness for something. I had tried to talk to her for a while but some stuff happened and we weren't able to. I really wanted to talk to her this weekend since it was our last weekend as coworkers. I decided to write her a letter. I usually am really a lot better at writing people letters than talking to them in person. I am not a confrontational person. So on Thursday night I wrote this girl a letter. Unfortunately, I started falling asleep halfway through writing it. I couldn't concentrate and so I gave up for the evening.

Well Friday I went to work with no letter to give to this person and didn't think all that much of it that evening. But about 45 minutes before I got off, I had this feeling that I needed to actually talk to this person. Like have a conversation with them. With dialouge. Where they could call me on my inadequacies. Where I was vulnerable. I was scared. But after five minutes of wrestling with whether or not I shoud, I asked this girl if we could talk for a big after work. She said yes.

Let me tell you, I was so relieved after that conversation that its almost ridiculous. I had had a permanent knot in my stomach for the last few weeks that I had stopped recognizing until it was gone. God gave me the courage to speak my heart and he blessed both my friend and I through it! It was amazing!

***

I have one other person that I can't go without mentioning--Shelby. I have actually known Shelby since she was in kindergarten. She is two years older than me and is my sister's age. We didn't really talk at all until my sophomore year when we were in drivers ed together. It was later that year that we became coworkers. Shelby has become one of my very closest friends if not my best friend. She is an amazing girl who is such an inspiration to me! We can talk about anything and that is amazing. I thank God so much for providing us with our friendship.

I just couldn't not talk about Shelby in my Papas blogs.

***

If there is one thing that I hope you can take away from the story of my time at Papas, it is redemption. I've screwed up so much in so many ares over the last 2 and a half years but God still loves me and still blessed my life in more ways than I can count. Although I am extremely sad to be leaving, I am so excited for the future! I know that this is the right move for me and am so thankful for all that Jeff and Penelope have done for me!

This is the end...

This is the End, Part 2

Here is the second part of my Papa Murpys blog.

***

As I worked more at Papas, I began to get to know everyone better. Penelope held a girls Bible study on Tuesday nights that five or so of my coworkers went to. I started going to that and it was really awesome! I wasn't in a youth group at the time so the Bible study served as my youth group. We would hang out afterwards and I started getting to know everybody really well.

Despite getting along with everyone so well, I had one coworker that I felt hated me. Her name was Jocelyn. She was kind of cold to me, so it seemed, and I just felt like she didn't like me. I was actually kind of scared of her.

***

One Friday night, an old coworker Brandi was in town to visit. I didn't know her, but she seemed really nice. Everyone was going out to the movies that night to spend time with Brandi and they invited me along. My parents said I could go and I was pretty excited! This was actually my time going out with the crew after work. There were ten of us who went. I ended up sitting next to Jocelyn.

We went to this horrible Nicholas Cage movie called Next. It was so ridiculously cheesy and we were all laughing at things that weren't supposed to be funny. But really, Jocelyn and I were the ones laughing the most. I know it sounds cheesy, but from that night on we were really good friends.

We hung out together a lot. Going to the movies, to the mall, to the gym, the Donut House, anything really. Although she was two years older than me, were both starting school at Skagit Valley College in the Fall of 2007. We went to orientation together and then just hung out even more. She was the first best friend I had had in years. She was like my sister.

***

In the beginning of September 2007, my older sister moved to Leeds, England to go to school. At first, this wasn't too big of a deal. I got used to it really quick. I definitely enjoyed having a bigger bedroom! But deep inside of me, I was hurting really bad. Its really hard to go from having a sister to basically not. We couldn't talk on the phone because it was too expensive and we had a hard time video chating because the connection was always bad.

In the beginning of December 2007, my manager Heather invited me to go to a play in Seattle with her, her sisters and their husbands. Heather and I were definitely friends but we weren't very close. She was four years older than me, so we never really hung out outside of work. It kind of caught me off guard that she invited me to this play, but I was really excited. She paid for my ticket as a Christmas present and told me that she just felt like she needed to invite me.

We went out that evening and had an amazing time. From then on, we hung out a couple of times a week. We would close together at work and then just go grocery shopping together. We went to concerts together. We went shopping and she helped me pick out nice clothes for my office job.

Heather also is a very strong Christian and really helped me focus in on my relationship with Christ. She taught me how to view everything in God's plan. We prayed together a lot. She was the person that I went to whenever I had problems or something was bothering me.

She was the big sister I needed.

***

Around February of 2008, some major things happened with Jocelyn that caused us to drift apart a bit. Its not like we got into a big fight or something, she just was making some choices that I really did not agree with at all.

This was around the same time that Heather and I were getting closest in our friendship. As I lost Jocelyn, Heather became my new best friend.

Now that isn't to say that Jocelyn and I weren't close anymore. Jocelyn was and still is a very close friend of mine. We just weren't close in the same way. We couldn't talk about the things we used to. She couldn't give me advice how she used to. Things just weren't the same.

***

I grew up a lot over this time at Papa Murphys. Maybe it was because I was in college, but I really credit a lot of it to Papas. I learned responsibility. I learned teamwork. I learned how to work hard. I learned that work could be fun!

I also learned a lot about myself...

***

I'll stop there for tonight. I'll update again later this week. I actually am thinking that there are going to be two more posts for this series. I have a lot more to say. A lot of confessions. A lot of apologies. A lot of thank yous.

Not that any of my coworkers will read this...

This is the End, Part 1

Today I showed up at work and looked at the schedule for next week. It was just posted today. First I laughed at the funny note my boss put in there about why my friend had requested a day off. And then I looked up at my name. It had my shifts and then under Sunday and Monday said "THANK YOU KATIE!" And I started crying.

You see, Saturday, September 5th is going to be my last day at Papa Murphys. I put in my two and a half weeks notice recently. I've been planning on quitting for a while. I'm starting school up at Bellingham Tech at the end of September and also going to be working more hours at the dentist office. I honestly just don't have enough time to work at Papas anymore. That being said, I was kind of stupid and made my last day 1o days sooner than I planned out of anger at a certain situation. I wish I wouldn't have, but I can't change it now!

So this is going to probably end up being a two or three part blog about my time at Papa Murphys. There is a lot to cover. There have been so many laughs, so many tears, so many new friendships and so much new growth over the last 29 months. I am a completely different person because of my time at Papa Murphys in both good and bad ways. But mosty good.

***

In the March of 2007, I was working at a job where I was the youngest person my several years as well as the only person who actually followed the rules. Because of this, my coworkers hated me. When they worked with me, they had to deal with a 15 year old telling them that they actually had to do their job. It was pretty miserable working there, but not many places hire people under 16 due to labor laws. My boss at this job didn't really follow those laws and I wasn't really familiar with them.

One afternoon in the beginning of that March, I got a call from my boss. She told me that things just weren't working out with me at that job and that my coworkers were complaining about me. I was told that I was miserable to work with. My boss said that she didn't know what was going on really (she wasn't a super involved boss) but that she was going to take me off of the schedule for six weeks until she started working with us again.

Well, as you could probably have guessed, six weeks passed and she didn't call me. Luckily, I was actually searching for a new job at that time anyways. My mom and I talked and decided that it wasn't really healthy for me to be working at a place like that. I needed to be working at a positive place.

***

This part of my story is a bit difficult to talk about. I don't talk about the details of it too much. At this point in my life, I was in a depression that I had been suffering from for around three years. I started homeschooling in the seventh grade and unfortunately for me, none of my friends returned my effort to spend time together once we were no longer class mates. I had virtually no friends in middle school. I sank into this depression at that time. I never went to the doctor for it or was treated, but I was definitely depressed. This continued through to tenth grade.

I decided in my tenth grade year that I wanted to go to public high school. I wanted to be around people. I wanted to make friends again. It took a couple of weeks to convince my parents, but in August of 2006, I registered for classes at Anacortes High School. This was definitely a good move for me. I made some friends and lots of acquaintences. I was around people. It was really good for me. I began to come out of my depression a little bit, but I definitely was still suffereing from it.

***

Fast forward back to March of 2007 where I had just gotten basically fired from my job. This was a huge blow to me. I cried. A lot.

There was a family at my church that I also babysat for. They owned Papa Murphys Pizza in my town. It just so happened that they had a couple of people who were about to quit. My mom talked to Penelope, one of the store owners, on the phone one evening when she called about babysitting. Penelope told my mom that they were always cautious when hiring people under 16 because of the labor restrictions, but to have me fill out an application and bring it with me next time I babysat. So I filled out my application and waited.

Saturday, April 21st found me being woken up by my excited mom. Penelope had just called and told my mom to have me call Jeff (her husband) at Papa Murphys when I had the chance. So I got out of bed and as soon as I was awake enough, gave him a call. He asked if I would be able to come in that same day to start work. I was able to and at two o'clock went in to Papa Murphys.

***

This was a completely different work experience for me. Coming from a place with zero structure and no authority, Papa Murphys was a welcome change. There were managers, supervisors and rules. I was trained by the assistant manager, Heather, who I knew from church alhtough not very well. She was a few years older than me.

I really only worked Fridays and Saturdays until the end of the school year. I learned fast and got along with everyone pretty good. The crew started inviting me to hang out with them on random Friday nights. I really was happy there. I knew right away that it was where God wanted me and had purposefully placed me.

***

Okay, so its now 3:02 AM and I need to go to bed. I will be posting the second and third parts of this story over the next week or so. I'm also planning some fun stuff to leave at Papa Murphys for people to remember me by. Not that they will forget obnoxious me anytime soon...