It seems that every time a big group of my friends hang out, I come home feeling really down. This has been going on for a LONG time. Like, at least a year and a half. And tonight it happened again. One of my friends had her birthday party tonight--a private midnight showing of Where the Wild Things Are (adorable movie, by the way). Most of the people there were people that I knew from working at Papa Murphys or from church. One of my best friends was there and that was awesome.
But most of the people there were people that I am not at all comfortable around. Either I didn't know them or I know them and don't really like them; therefore, I put on my 'entertainment' mask and was trying to be funny the whole night. And it just came off as stupid and immature. Think I'm being too critical of myself? I'm not.
Example: I was going to use the bathroom and asked my friend to watch my purse. Another girl, somebody who I used to be best friends with, jokingly said "Where would it go?" (or something like that). So instead of just chuckling, I decided to toss my purse onto the floor. Yep, I did. And it wasn't funny. It just got some stares.
I think the thing I struggle most with is being myself in all situations. And honestly, I don't know if I even know who I am. I know, I know. Everybody says that. But its true.
I'm 18 years old and I have no idea who I am.
I mean, I know whats important to me and I know what I stand for (for the most part) but my personality is a constantly transforming thing. I act completely different around different people. And I hate that. Its so fake!
Deep inside, I want to be honest with everybody. But deep inside, I also want to be accepted. And I think that the acceptance part is winning the fight for importance.
I went through so many years in my life where I had almost no friends. And because of that, I am now constantly trying to gain new friends and keep the ones I have. I have found that I am willing to compromise a lot to gain friends. Its really unfortunate.
Two and a half years ago, I met a large group of severely amazing people. But two and a half years ago, my standards took a dive. I compromised my standards on a lot of issues to ensure that people would accept me. I tried to be like other people and in therefore lost myself.
Two and a half years ago, I had never said a cuss word.
Two and a half years ago, I was embarrassed to even mention the word sex.
Two and a half years ago, I wouldn't even consider watching an R rated movie.
I know that not all of that is inherently bad. I mean, sex isn't a bad thing. And not all R rated movies are rated R for inappropriate reasons (although most are). But in compromising my standards, I have begun to make dirty jokes. I have begun to use curse words in a casual, joking and even demeaning manner.
It makes me ashamed to think that I was so quick to compromise in order to gain friends. I will say that not all of my friendships have been unhealthy for me. I know that these people were put in my life for a specific purpose. But I have not been as good of an example of Christ as I could have been.
And along with all of this, I have lost myself.
I am ashamed of myself.
I don't like who I've become.
I think another problem I have is that I am constantly putting on an act. I want people to think that I have everything together. I want people to like me, so I changed myself. I have told myself so many times that I am just going to take off this mask and let people see the real me. But I really don't think I ever actually tried to. I just said that I would.
Tonight, that is my prayer.
Tonight, I turn a new page.
Tonight, I am going to begin the journey to find the real me.
And tonight, I am going to commit to being accepting of whatever I find in myself.
I know that there are so many amazing things God has for my future, but I have a lot of growing before I am ready to accomplish those things. And tonight, I begin the long journey of growing up.
Right now, I can so relate to the song entitled Monster by The Almost.
"When I am a monster, You never wince when you look at me.
When I am a freak, you never stare.
When I am a leper, You never say 'unclean.'
And when I am lost, You come and set me free.
Are you ready to live your life?
Are you healed enough?
Can you stop?
Can you stop and enjoy the ride?"
I'm not quite ready to enjoy the ride, but I am definitely ready to stop. I'm ready to live my life. I'm ready to heal from the past and move on. I'm ready to experience God's plans for me.
I'm ready to be me.
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