Coming to Terms

Today is February 13th, which means tomorrow is February 14th--Valentines Day. Lets recap my last 17 Valentines Day's.

1st-15th: My big sister's birthday is Valentines Day, so my first 15 were spent celebrating with her. She moved to England for college when I was barely 16, so there goes that excuse!

16th-17th: I worked at Papa Murphy's Pizza and Valentine's Day was one of our busiest days of the year. Both years, I worked until about 8 or 9 and then went to dinner and a movie with my coworkers. None of us had dates, so we all just hung out.

So that brings us to this year. My 18th Valentines Day. I no longer have my sister or my job to hide behind. So here it goes.

I don't date and most of my friends don't talk to me anymore; therefore, I have absolutely no plans this year to celebrate Valentines Day.

I sent out a text message to a bunch of girls at the beginning of the week, wanting to plan a home cooked dinner followed by a movie. I even offered to cook! I sent that out to 8-10 people and only heard back from one. And that was about three days after I sent out the text. She said she'd have to ask her parents. I told her not to bother, that it wasn't going to happen.

Honestly, I at first wondered if something was wrong with my phone, if it wasn't receiving text messages for some reason. But every time I convinced myself that was the problem, I remembered that another person had just texted me earlier that night and we had had a conversation (this was usually my friend who lives out of state). So really, there were no excuses there.

I am pretty much giving up on my friends now. I guess I really shouldn't call them that anymore. I only really have three people from my old core group that I would still consider friends. The rest? Well, I am just trying to avoid them because I know they will act all friendly to my face and I will once again have hope that things aren't like I thought. Thats never the case, though.

So now I'm trying to branch out more, hang out with people I haven't seen or talked to in a long time. I'm going to an improv night at the high school with a girl named Rachel, who I've known since 5th grade but had a couple of falling outs with. We 'made up' a couple of years ago. She and my sister are fairly good friends and she and I are friendly with each other as well. It should be a fun night.

But really, I just can't wait to move to Bellingham and then Nashville, to meet a whole fresh new crop of people. Thats the problem with small towns like Anacortes--after a while, you've met everyone. If you can't make many friends, you're pretty much out of luck.

So there you have it. I am spending my Valentines Day alone, save for probably my guitars.

Here's to hoping that next Valentine's Day, I'll actually have friends.

I am a girl.

So I pretty much have no idea who reads my blog. Honestly, I don't. I don't have any followers. Maybe nobody reads it! It kinda feels nice to think that at least one person does, though. Especially on posts like this.

The last year or two I have been really feeling like I need to wait on dating. Or just not do it at all. I was pretty much okay with that until around this summer. See, there was a guy who was actually seeming to be interested in dating me. That was a first in my 18 years. At least, it was the first time that anybody pursued anything with me, small as this was. We hung out a couple of times and went to lunch, played guitar, went shopping. They weren't even actual dates, just two friends hanging out, you know?

But something didn't feel right. I felt like I had defiled my pursuit of purity because my intentions in hanging out with this guy were not what they should have been. I haven't admitted this to anyone yet, but since there may not even be anyone reading this...one of the times we hung out, I had decided the night before that I didn't care about not dating anymore and I didn't care about the standards that I had set for myself previously. I decided that that day when we hung out, I was gonna get my first kiss. Forget waiting for my first kiss to be at my wedding, I wanted it right then!

Luckily, I followed my gut feeling that day (and probably was feeling pretty shy, too) and decided not to go for that. But even after this guy and I stopped really hanging out, I felt like there was no point in not dating. I wanted a boyfriend and I didn't care what plans God had for me! I was struggling with this a LOT for at least a month.

Its hard to be one of the only girls your age who is pursing purity to this extent. Or who has always been pursuing purity. I have friends who have decided not to date but made that decision after failing in previous relationships. I'm not one of those people. I know that one day I will really appreciate that but right now it is hard.

So this time over the summer where I was really struggling with purity came around the same time as I went to Creation West. One of the bands playing was Barlowgirl. I had just recently (with in the last 9 months or so) started listening to Barlowgirl and really enjoyed their sound. We caught their show and then met them afterwards in a signing line. They were really sweet genuine women and I liked that.

When I got home from Creation, I ended up on their website and discovered their podcasts. I watched all of them as well as some interviews and such. Over a week or so, my respect for those girls grew exponentially. I needed a role model and instead got three. Those girls encompass everything that I want to be doing with my life and stand for the same things as I stand for.

It was really great to be able to watch videos of them talking about dealing with their struggles for purity. They encouraged me so much! And so, my struggle sort of died off as I recommitted my life to purity in Christ.

"But this road is hard..."

One of my friends made a deal with another friend years ago that they wouldn't date until each was a certain age. For my friend, that age was 17. She turned 17 this summer and really liked a certain guy. Over the last couple of months, they have gotten to know each other better. They went to the waterslides together, he cooked her dinner, and they went to Homecoming (she's still in high school).

Well, tonight, he asked her to be his girlfriend. And of course she said yes.

I should be really happy for my friend. I mean, this is a really great guy. Her parents know him and have approved of him. They got to know each other before they started dating. She went about everything in the way that she should have.

Meanwhile, I am sitting here having made the commitment not to date. I know deep inside of me that that is what God is calling me to. But when you see somebody get exactly what you want it gets really tough.

I honestly don't want to get married for another 7 or 8 years. I want to wait until my mid to late twenties before I make that commitment. I know that God has some amazing things planned for my life in my single years. And I know that I need to enjoy them.

But its hard!

Its so hard to enjoy what you have when you want something else. And its not really that I want something else, its that I want somebody else's something. I want what I can't have. And I probably want it even more because I can't have it.

Jealousy is a nasty thing.

I know that this is all coming from the enemy, but its hard to rebuke something thats as strong as this.

I mean, what girl doesn't dream of her prince charming coming to wake her from her slumber and sweep her off her feet?

Right now is time for me to sleep. But I want to be awake.

I take that back.

My mind wants to be awake. But my heart knows that now is my time to sleep. Now is my time to rest in God's love and learn to love Him in all areas and allow Him to fill me up.

I believe that God will bring my man to me in His perfect timing.

But its hard to wait.

So if you read this and feel so inclined, please pray for me. You can also pray for my friend and her new boyfriend. I know that they would appreciate it.

"Because this road is hard, but You are worth it all. Here's my life."